Ever feel at the whim of everyone around you? Like some of your decisions weigh upon what others are doing first? It’s as if you’re waiting for your life to begin, with a silent yearning for that stamp of approval to start it. Or perhaps you are anticipating others to guide you and expecting the life of the party to eternally entertain you. Along with this expectation, there is often the assumption that others will always initiate, invite, or lead. Sometimes, it just feels better or easier to wait for others to make plans. After all, initiating may come with the underlying fear of feeling rejected, ignored, or blown off. And so, hello codependency.
Maybe you find yourself attaching to others to gain a sense of stability. Or perhaps you rely on them for grounding in reality so as to feel safe. Some cling to loved ones to feel secure enough to navigate their life in the world. This attachment can regulate their nervous system just enough to provide comfort. However, constantly attuning yourself to everyone and everything externally disconnects you from your core sense of self. Not to mention, it can be both exhausting and unfulfilling.
How Does Codependency Affect Your Life?
As a result, you may find yourself without a clear sense of how you truly feel. Furthermore, not understanding what genuinely resonates with you or matters to you can lead to misdirection and dissatisfaction. It is similar to being lost in a sea of emotions without a compass or north star. Without a guiding light, it becomes easier to use others as a means to regulate your senses and direct your life.
Growing up, you may have prioritized attachment and approval over authenticity, especially if your emotional outbursts were unaccepted or met with harsh discipline. Consequently, you may have come to associate your true authentic feelings with shame, pain, and disapproval. This leads to avoiding and disconnecting from your core truths. By suppressing and repressing your feelings into the unconscious, you cast your intuition into the dark. As a result, you lose self-trust and confidence in your ability to make sound decisions.
Codependency Symptoms
To illustrate this further, here are a few examples of codependency in action. One common symptom is the underlying need to be needed. For instance, maybe you are always the first person to step up at work. Sometimes, it’s just too unsettling to bear the dead silence when no one offers to pick up the slack, so you do. Or maybe you always babysit your friend’s kids on the weekends, or more often than not, drop what you’re doing to help others out. Jumping to help others before you even realize whether your own basic needs have been met yet can be a significant sign.
These are just a few aspects of codependency. In reality, there are many shades of it. Oftentimes, people who are codependent tend to lean toward caretaking and people-pleasing. Meanwhile, others act toward micromanaging, controlling, and changing others. Some may fall somewhere in between. At the core of it, people with codependency struggle with poor self-esteem. Additionally, they find it challenging to know and assert their feelings and boundaries. Consequently, indirect communication, being passive-aggressive, and manipulation all signal red-flag behaviors.
Another symptom is the need for things to always be okay—and the notion that it’s not okay for things to not be okay. Similarly, conflict can also be overwhelming and triggering for many codependents. Avoiding conflict at all costs helps them feel safe and secure in uncertainty. However, the reality is that life happens, and it can get pretty messy and uncomfortable at times. Resisting this and trying to avoid or manipulate outcomes you cannot control can be dysfunctional. Likewise, it’s important to remember that other people’s problems, feelings, and situations are not your responsibility to manage or solve.
Lack of Clear Boundaries
Other symptoms of codependency include self-betrayal and difficulty speaking up and expressing oneself. Stating what you like and dislike is a crucial part of defining your boundaries. However, it can be difficult for those struggling with codependency to verbally express what they prefer or want to do. Instead, it is often easier for them to just let things slide out of fear of being annoying or burdensome.
When you don’t value your core feelings and boundaries and you never assert them, you inadvertently teach others that it’s okay to violate them. This is evident when you minimize and deny your wants, likes, desires, tastes, and preferences. After all, people don’t always know how you feel or what you prefer, and most people aren’t mind readers. Therefore, always doing whatever others suggest first without stating or considering your own preferences is another example of codependency. Likewise, completely disregarding when you feel walked over by others and not speaking up about it is another indicator.
In the same vein, many codependents may be unaware of how they truly feel or how to make sense of their emotions. This creates doubt and continuous second-guessing. Without knowing how you truly feel, there is a sense of uncertainty, which can feel uncomfortable. Consequently, this can lead to looking externally for a sense of knowing and comfort. People look to others for a sense of power and understanding, often when they feel insecure. Some look to authority figures or a more aggressive person. It is reassuring to lean on more powerful people for a sense of clarity, certainty, and knowing. This helps those with codependency avoid the fear and discomfort of being vulnerable and insecure.
What Is the Root Cause of Codependency?
Codependency has its roots in relational dynamics. As children, we are highly sensitive and receptive to even the smallest hints of aggression or neglect. We learn about who we are based on how we are received and responded to—or not—by our caretakers as we grow up. This shapes and colors how we feel about ourselves, our sense of power, and our inner world. In other words, we learn to treat ourselves and others the way our parents or caretakers treated us and those around them. How well we were seen, heard, validated, and accepted—or not—greatly influenced how we began forming and expressing our sense of self. Moreover, whether we felt safe or not in expressing our ideas, feelings, and desires significantly affected how this sense of self developed.
Children depend entirely on others to survive. Without anyone holding space for how they feel they are left on their own to figure how to handle their intense and overwhelming emotions. If no one around them was able to regulate their emotions or help them with theirs, they lack a sense of clarity surrounding these feelings and emotional situations. Even worse, if others dismissed, demeaned, or judged them for expressing their feelings, these children often learned to reject these feelings in themselves. This can affect a person as they grow into adulthood by stunting the development of their authenticity and self-expression.
Other factors that lead to codependency include the lack of emotional mirroring. When a developing ego doesn’t get the attention it needs, it internalizes this as being unlovable. Like feeling unworthy of other’s time, attention, and energy. If you never felt safe to express yourself then you might not have learned to accept and validate yourself. You may never have gotten the sense you are lovable and worthy just as you are, however amazing, good, bad, or ugly. Without nourishing attention and consistent reciprocal interactions with caregivers, a child struggles. It becomes difficult for them to understand their experiences and how they feel. It is hard for them to actualize their innate value and worthiness and see that what matters to them truly matters and is meaningful.
Codependency and Emotional Unawareness
Therefore if a child grows up in a criticizing, volatile, neglectful, or reactive environment, they learned to attune themself to everything that is “off, wrong, or unsettling.” They may become hypervigilant in paying close attention to subtle changes in their caretaker’s tones of voice, moods, gestures, and behaviors. Through being hyper aware of those around them they get a sense of other’s feelings and can play small if needed for protection. Through walking on eggshells and appeasing or avoiding others these children feel they are more likely to prevent angry outbursts or unkind reactions. They might drop all wants or needs so as to not be a burden. They behave in any number of ways to ensure a safe connection and stave off a negative response from others.
By attuning to others and lining up with the feelings of those around them, they could prevent rage and overwhelm from being directed at them. This sets the stage for becoming the caretaker, peacemaker, or “good little girl or boy.” Through nurturing or caring for others you ensure they will treat you in a way that you feel safe. If you can be perfect or do things well enough for them, maybe you will get the love, acceptance, and belonging that you deeply crave. Or maybe you can get others to agree with your thoughts and beliefs to validate your sense of self.
Codependency And Developing Emotional Awareness
Healing from codependency is possible. Developing emotional autonomy by fostering self awareness is helpful. Continually bringing your attention to your 5 senses places your power to experience reality in your own hands. When we focus on our senses this directs our attention inwards. Knowing how we are experiencing our bodies and listening to the subtle changes in our energy flow and mood connects us with our inner self cultivating intimacy from within. Working with a professional who specializes in healing from codependency can be a great foundation in healing from codependency.