Ever feel at the whim of everyone around you? Do your decisions ever weigh upon what others are doing first? It’s like waiting for your life to begin. With a silent yearning for that stamp of approval to start it. Like anticipating others to guide you and the life of the party to eternally entertain you. Along with the expectation that others will always initiate, invite, or lead.
You might find yourself attaching to others to get a sense of stability. Or grounding, in reality, so as to feel safe. Maybe you cling to loved ones to feel comfortable enough to navigate yourself in the world. Constantly attuning yourself to everyone and everything externally disconnects you from your core sense of self. Not to mention how exhausting and unfulfilling it can be.
How Does Codependency Affect Your Life?
This leaves you without a sense of knowing how you truly feel. Or knowing what actually resonates with and matters to you. Not understanding what you genuinely value, like, and dislike from your core can lead to misdirection and dissatisfaction. It is similar to being lost in a sea of emotions without a compass or north star. Without a guiding light, it becomes easier to use others as a means to regulate your senses and direct your life. Growing up you may have prioritized attachment and approval over authenticity. Hello, codependency!
These are just a few flavors of codependency. There are actually many shades of it. Often times people who are codependent can lean more towards caretaking and people-pleasing. Or more towards micromanaging, controlling, and changing others. Others fall somewhere in between. At the core of it, people with codependency struggle with poor self-esteem. They find it challenging to know and assert their boundaries. Indirect communication, being passive-aggressive, and manipulation all signal red-flag behaviors.
Codependency Symptoms
To paint you a picture of this, here are a few examples of codependency in action. One is the underlying need to be needed. Maybe you are always the first person to step up at work. Maybe it’s too unsettling to bear the dead silence when no one offers to pick up the slack so you do. Or maybe you always babysit your friend’s kids on the weekends or you always drop what you’re doing to help others out.
Another is the need for things to always be okay. And the notion that it’s not okay for things to not be okay. In a similar fashion, conflict can also be overwhelming and triggering for many codependents. Avoiding conflict at all costs helps these people feel safe and secure in uncertainty. The truth of reality is that life happens, and it can get pretty messy and uncomfortable at times. Resisting this and trying to avoid or manipulate outcomes you cannot control can be dysfunctional. Likewise, other people’s problems, feelings, and situations are not your responsibility to manage and solve.
Codependency And Boundaries
Other symptoms of codependency are self-betrayal, insecurity, and difficulty with speaking up and expressing oneself. Stating what you like and dislike is part of defining your boundaries. It can be difficult for those struggling with codependency to verbally express what they prefer or want to do. It is easier for them to just let things slide because of the fear of being annoying or burdensome.
When you don’t care about your boundaries and never assert them you teach others that it’s okay to violate them. People don’t always know how you feel or what you prefer, and most people aren’t mind readers. Minimizing and denying your wants, likes, desires, and boundaries illustrates this. Always doing whatever others prefer without stating or even knowing your own preferences is another example. Likewise, completely disregarding when you feel walked over by others and not speaking up about it is another.
In the same vein, many codependents may be unaware of how they truly feel or how to make sense of their emotions. This creates doubt and continuous second-guessing. Without knowing how you truly feel there is a sense of uncertainty which feels uncomfortable. This can lead to looking externally for a sense of security and comfort. Often people look to others for a sense of understanding and power when they feel unworthy. Some look to authority figures or a more aggressive person. It is reassuring to lean on more powerful people for a sense of clarity, certainty, and knowing. This helps people with codependency to avoid the fear and discomfort of being vulnerable and insecure.
What Is the Root Cause of Codependency?
Codependency has its roots in relational dynamics. How we learned about who we are and what we feel about life and all its nuances plays a role. How we were responded to and how we learned to express who we are and our feelings about life also play a role. Whether we felt safe or not to express our ideas, feelings, and desires certainly affects how our sense of self develops. If a child grows up in a criticizing, volatile, reactive environment, they learned to attune themself to everything that is “off, wrong, or unsettling.” They learned to stay safe from the outbursts of others by walking on eggshells.
By attuning to others and lining up with the feelings of those around them, they could prevent rage and overwhelm from being directed at them. It sets the stage for becoming the caretaker, peacemaker, or “good little girl or boy.” By always nurturing or caring for others, you ensure they will treat you in a way that you feel safe. If you can be perfect or do things well enough for them, maybe you will get the love, acceptance, and belonging that you deeply crave.
Codependency And Emotional Acceptance
Other factors that lead to codependency include the lack of emotional mirroring. Along with a lack of esteem and worthiness. As mentioned above, if you never felt safe to express yourself then you may never have learned to accept and validate yourself. You may never have learned you are lovable and worthy just as you are, however good, bad, or ugly. Without nourishing attention and consistent reciprocal interactions with caregivers, a child struggles. It becomes difficult for them to understand their experiences and how they feel. It is hard for them to actualize and see that what matters to them truly matters and is meaningful.
Children depend entirely on others to survive. Without anyone holding space for how they feel they are left on their own to figure out what to do with their intense and overwhelming emotions. If no one around them was able to regulate their emotions or help them with theirs, they lack a sense of clarity surrounding these feelings and situations. Even worse, if others dismissed, demeaned, or judged them for expressing their feelings, these children often learned to reject these feelings in themselves. This can affect a person as they grow into adulthood by stunting the development of their authenticity and self-expression.